Question
Dear Sir,
Assalamualaikum.
Sorry for the long write-up & query, but I believe my case justifies the length. Briefly I would like to present my grave case which I believe requires my brief introduction: I’m 31, brought-up in a Muslim family. Since childhood, I was ‘above average’ in studies and games and I was never a pious boy. God was never in my mind in my youth days. And I committed the following grave sins since 22:
Indulged into an affair with a lady and pre-marital sex. Later I married her.
Involved in ‘Abortion’.
Indulged in an extramarital affair after my marriage with a married lady.
Involved in fornication (paid sex). Indulged in pornography.
Involved in ‘illegal’ earnings.
Was very ‘arrogant’ about my successes in career.
Misbehaved with my mother. (Not my father. He was my idol. Surprisingly he was a very pious man and I never copied this part of his character.)
Prayers and Roza or Zakat were never in my thought.
In all the above-mentioned activities, I have never thought about God or the consequences of these activities while I committed myself to these things. In fact, I was not even a believer. I used to believe that someone has created this world but was not sure who it might be. While committing these crimes, the ‘morality’ of these activities (right or wrong) were never questioned by myself and Allah never came to my mind for even once. I never felt guilty. On November’04, I became very sick and thought of death occupied my mind. I suddenly involved myself in the following activates:
Started praying to Allah through Naamaz regularly, though at the initial stage I was more in “search of Allah”, trying to explore his existence and find it out whether Islam is true or not. Explored Quran. My ‘Imaan’ was not strong enough. The ‘Mujeza’ stated in the holy Quran used to baffle me. Yet, by the grace of Allah, my Imaan has grown stronger each day and now I believe that my beliefs are much stronger.
Promised to Allah that I won’t be involved in any extra-marital affair. Never go for unruly sexual relationships. Be physically faithful to my wife. I have successfully (till date) disconnected myself from all these activities.
Promised never to go for abortion. (Though it is irrelevant now. Don’t know how to ask mercy for this thing).
Promised never to earn illegally. Pay Zakat accordingly. And get rid of the illegal earnings of my previous life as much as I can calculate. (I’ve already started the process)
Asked for ‘forgiveness’ from my mother.
Tried to Shrug off my arrogance as much as possible.
Now I pray five times a day. If I miss a prayer, I certainly pray ‘Kaza’ namaaz.
The thing that is bothering me till date is the fact that I’m still indulged in ‘masturbation’.
Now my question is:
Am I really worth mercy? I’m really worried. God is ‘kind’ but will he allow forgiveness for all that I’ve already done?
Is there any specific dua to ask for mercy and overcome His wrath in this world? (Some say Dua-e Unus should be read regularly)
Will abortion & fornication & adultery be forgiven? Any further activity required rather than doing tawba? (Don’t ask for my repentance. I would have committed suicide had it not been haram, I’m afraid)
I’m making a slow transgression towards Islam rather than an implementation of a ‘radical change’ overnight. First I started Praying, stopped adultery, then got rid of Interest (Shood), then planned to get rid of illegal money, and now trying to stop masturbating. (which is difficult)
Is it ok if I give away the illegal money to help the sick children for treatment?
Provide me any information that may help me in this context. My status is much graver than it seems from my letter. I believe, in the light of Islam, I’m probably one of the worst person ever been born in this world.
Answer
The answers to your questions:
You ask:
1. Am I really worth mercy? I’m really worried. God is ‘kind’ but will he allow forgiveness for all that I’ve already done?
The mere fact that you have asked this question shows that there is something in you alive enough to care. This translates to you being “worth mercy.” It is God who put the mechanism for you to feel enough to ask this and it is God who gave you another chance by triggering that mechanism. Be grateful – I am sure you are – that God has reached out to you and touched your spirit.
You ask:
2. Is there any specific dua to ask for mercy and overcome His wrath in this world? (Some say Dua-e Unus should be read regularly)
There are many duas (i.e. supplications) from the Qur’an and they would do you well. However, our own personal duas that relate directly to our situations are just as valid. God hears your heart and mind so when you are making a plea to Him know that though He hears the words He also knows the depth of your sincerity. So make your duas, whatever they may be and approach your Lord in all earnestness. Reading the dua of Yunis (i.e. Jonah) is fine if you choose to do so but it is not a religious obligation nor does it stand above or below others.
You ask:
3. Will abortion & fornication & adultery be forgiven? Any further activity required rather than doing tawba? (Don’t ask for my repentance. I would have committed suicide had it not been haram, I’m afraid)
The answer is “yes” to all 3 sins. There is no need of any other activity other than repentance. However, committing yourself to charity, kindness and other good deeds always help. These acts do not only purify what you have done but they also strengthen your spirit and sense of connection with the Almighty and fellow humans. Your inner self will begin to develop a higher spiritual consciousness.
You ask:
4. I’m making a slow transgression towards Islam rather than an implementation of a ‘radical change’ overnight. First I started Praying, stopped adultery, then got rid of Interest (Shood), then planned to get rid of illegal money, and now trying to stop masturbating. (which is difficult)
What you are doing is what the Qur’an has set as an example in many aspects. There are times, and for some people, when “cold turkey” works but many people need a gradual process to let go of their vices. As an aside, masturbation is not forbidden but it would probably be better that you avoid it since you are trying to make adjustments in your life. It seems that this method is working for you and I recommend that you not abandon it. Just keep asking the Almighty for strength on this path.
You ask:
5. Is it ok if I give away the illegal money to help the sick children for treatment?
If this illegal money was made before your transformation then yes it can. However, as you are making this transition you should not be accepting any illegal financial means. In other words the Robin Hood concept of illegal means to provide for the less fortunate does not coincide with Islamic teachings. It is better to do what is right even if it is less effective than to do what is wrong yet more effective. The least one can say about such an activity is that it is hypocritical. It stands in direct contradiction to doing a good deed.
You said:
6. Provide me any information that may help me in this context. Hopefully the information we have provided you will bring you some ease. Continue to tread towards your God for each step you take towards Him He multiplies manifolds towards you. Leave your sinful past behind you and follow Islam with peace at mind. You have repented and changed your ways so you must accept that by His Will God has forgiven you.
You said:
My status is much graver than it seems from my letter. I believe, in the light of Islam, I’m probably one of the worst person ever been born in this world.
Without placation, I hardly believe that this is remotely close to the truth. It is unhealthy position to take upon one’s self. Though it is good to allow the feelings of guilt irritate your conscious it should be tempered by the repentance and the vow not to continue the sinful ways. Just the mere fact that you are in this process throttles you far past anything that could be called “worst.”
Maintain the relationship you are building with God; life can be a struggle and you will be tested so prepare for the ups and downs.
I hope I have clarified the issue.
God knows best.
Views: 266